


Not Quite

by etherealblades



Category: Final Fantasy IX
Genre: ITS GREAT!, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, also there's misgendering but it's Zidane jabbing at himself so..., also you could get zidane/garnet from this idc, garnet is here to support zidane, watch me project myself onto 8 billion characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 00:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14344002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherealblades/pseuds/etherealblades
Summary: On most days, Zidane doesn't let his gender identity get to him. Today is not one of those days.





	Not Quite

**Author's Note:**

> few things to note:
> 
> -this takes place when the gang first arrives to Lindblum because that's the point im at in the game and im not tryin to spoil myself
> 
> -zidane being trans is the main focus of this fic, it's just a little drabble to get me back into fanfiction
> 
> -i haven't written fanfiction in like 4 years forgive me if this is sloppy
> 
> -im writing this on my phone i hope the format isn't fucked up! sorry it if is!!

Zidane's tail swished back and forth as he watched his legs dangle off the edge of the tower. He was perched up on the Lindblum Castle Tower next to the telescope, gazing out at the bustling city apathetically. Normally, he'd appreciate the sight more, but Zidane had other things gnawing at his mind.

The first one to notice was Vivi. Of course, Vivi didn't say anything outright at first. His concern was voiced with little things like asking Zidane to take him shopping to "help him pick out suitable gear." It was strange to see that Vivi, of all people, noticed Zidane's little quirks and voiced concern (or indirectly voiced concern) about them. He walked closer to Zidane while they were out and about and tried to press the topic, but was too nervous to get the words out. Whenever Vivi gave him that look of concern, Zidane would just lightly slap him on the back and flash him one of his signature cocky grins. Zidane appreciated the concern, either way.

Then Steiner, gods forbid, started to catch on to Zidane's odd behavior. Steiner didn't feign concern, but he cut Zidane some slack and seemed to get off his back a little. Zidane noticed his gaze lingering a little longer than it should, but Steiner never said a thing otherwise. He decided to steer clear of the walking chunk of metal for his own good.

Zidane mentally kicked himself when Garnet brought up his behavior. He had hoped Garnet wouldn't notice, but that was a lost cause because he knew Garnet most likely noticed his behavior before the others-- she just didn't say anything until now. And unlike the others, Garnet wasn't willing to let the topic drop so easily.

At first, he told her he just wasn't feeling well. She bought that excuse for a little bit, but when Zidane showed no signs of illness and continued to act strange a few days later, she dragged Zidane aside and asked him what was bothering him. Zidane avoided telling her anything and tried tossing out more excuses, which only led to the frustration of Garnet. She got tired of trying to wrestle information out of him and let him go, but not without reminding him that she cared about him and wanted to help him with whatever was bothering him.

Zidane felt awful about not telling the group, but it was personal to him, and not everyone needed to know about his personal stuff. Besides, he wasn't sure how they would react. Only the gang in Tantalus knew Zidane was trans, and he wanted to keep it that way. 

Zidane sucked in a breath and let it out, wincing when he felt a pang in his chest. He'd been binding for too long. He remembered when Baku scolded him for binding unsafely, telling him his health couldn't falter if he wanted to be a great bandit. Zidane was stubborn about it at first, but he eventually relented and would take off his binder when he was in the safety of the hideout or wherever they decided to crash. Blank would keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn't going to bed with the binder on, or worse-- if he was wearing bandages. Zidane couldn't count how many times the others had nagged him about safe binding, but at the end of the day, it was everything he could have ever hoped for. He never imagined anybody would be so supportive of his identity. 

Zidane scowled and kicked the wall under him with the back of his foot, snapping himself out of his thoughts. He couldn't get sappy about this now. He left the group when he disobeyed Baku, and he was on his own now.

Well, "on his own" wasn't entirely correct, but at the same time, Zidane never felt so disconnected. He would vent occasionally to members of Tantalus about his gender dysphoria, but he's never spoken a word about it to anyone else. It was dragging down on him like a weight, and he felt like he couldn't walk through the streets without feeling like he was being watched by everyone.

It was an awfully stupid thing to worry about; he'd been to Lindblum so many times, why was he now freaking out about how well he passed? Did he pass at all? Was his voice too high-pitched? Was his chest not flat enough? Was his figure not boyish enough?

"Zidane?" 

Zidane whipped his head around, immediately tensing up. 

It was Garnet.

"I know you were... very adamant about not telling me what's bothering you," she spoke softly, her royal accent still lingering in her voice. "But I cannot just sit idle while something is obviously wrong." 

She walked over to him and leaned over the edge, using her elbows to support herself. "I asked Vivi if he knew where you went, and he also voiced concern. He says he's noticed your odd behavior, and he doesn't understand what's wrong, but he's very worried about you. As am I..." She turned her head slightly to focus on Zidane. "Please, at least confide in me a little. I understand I may not be able to do anything about whatever is bothering you, but I at least want to offer my support."

Zidane said nothing for a long minute. He felt cornered. Garnet was a smart girl, and if he didn't tell her what was bothering him, she could find out. And what then? What if she hates him for trying to be something he's not?

Zidane drummed his fingers on the edge he was sitting on and huffed. "Garnet... I'll tell you what's up, but-- you can't tell anybody. At least, not now."

She cocked her head to the side and frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Please, Garnet. Just promise me you won't tell anyone."

Garnet studied his face for a moment, and then nodded. "...I promise I won't tell a soul, Zidane. Just please allow me to help you."

Zidane stared out at the city, deciding it was more interesting to look at. "I... uh." He paused, debating how he should word this. "Have you ever... um, seen-- no, no, do you know what... agh, damn it." He buried his hands his his hair, clutching at his head. "I don't know how to say this."

Garnet nodded slowly at him. "Take your time, Zidane. I don't mind."

"Ugh. Look... I'm not, uh, I wasn't... born like this...?" The statement came out more like a question, but Zidane honestly didn't know how else to start this conversation. "I mean. I'm not what you think I am." His voice grew quieter the more he spoke. 

"What are you talking about?" Garnet's full, undivided attention as on him now. Zidane hated the look of concern on her face; it only made it harder for him to spit this shit out.

"Uh." His tail twitched. "I'm... I'm trans."

The silence that hung in the air after he said that threatened to strangle Zidane and toss him over the edge he was sitting on. That was it-- this journey was over! Garnet would convince the group he was a freak who wanted to be a boy and they'd ditch him. Zidane would crawl back to Baku and tell him that he was a dumbass for going to help the princess.

"You're trans?" Garnet's voice was still gentle; not an ounce of disgust was laced in it. That made Zidane wary.

"...Yeah."

She was quiet for a moment.

"Look, you can go ahead and just take the group if you don't want to be around someone like me--"

"What makes you think that?" Garnet reached out and laid her hand on Zidane's. "Why would I abandon you, Zidane, when I know you're a good person? You helped me escape the castle, and you've fought against all the Black Waltzes to keep us safe." 

"I-"

"You were the one who turned the airship around and took us here to Lindblum. You were the one who helped me stay undercover when we went to Dali. And you saved me in the Evil Forest... Why should your gender identity make you a bad person?"

Zidane kicked the wall with his heel again. "You don't get it. People don't accept this shit easily. I don't know what mindset they had in the castle, but people like me aren't seen in a positive light." He hung his head slightly. "I'm... some stupid girl that just wants to be a boy in their eyes. Trying to be something I'm not. A freak. A dumbass."

Garnet's expression turned serious. "Look at me, Zidane."

He looked over at Garnet.

"I know I'll never understand how you feel. And I don't know what... awful things you've been called for being yourself, but they know absolutely nothing about you, Zidane. The Zidane I know is brave in the face of danger, the best bandit in the world, and he's strong. You're more of a man than anyone I've ever met. And nothing can change my mind about that."

For the first time in a long time, Zidane wanted to cry. Which was fucking awful since the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front Garnet. He rubbed at his eyes and looked away, trying to steady his breathing. "I-"

He felt a pair of arms wrap around him as he shook slightly. "If you ever need to talk, do not hesitate to come to me, alright?"

Zidane nodded silently. He was trying not to bawl his eyes out.

"And don't ever think you're 'not quite a boy' or 'a girl trying to be a boy.' You're Zidane; the best bandit that's ever come out of Tantalus. And I wouldn't have anybody else other than you by my side during this journey."

Zidane cried.


End file.
